journal entry written on may 23, 2004 at 3:15 in the morning

It wasn't like this before.

I used to be sound asleep when the clock struck 9 in the evening. Our dad imposed strict bed times to me and my sister. Then "telebabad" became the "in" thing and I found myself sleeping late because of it. It wasn't really being on the phone that got me breaking my 9pm bed time. Sometimes, I would be up all night because I'm cramming for a next day exam (or for a machine project due in 2 days time) or I'm listening to people and their love problems on RX 93.1's Dr. Love show or I'm texting with someone who, like me, doesn't have anything better to do.

But since then, I haven't been sleeping the way i used to. There'd be nights when I'd hit the sack early only to find myself wasting my time, tossing and turning because I can't sleep. In fact, there were times before that I'd see myself cry out of frustration.

I did try some people's suggestions such as to turn the radio on or play something soothing and relaxing. But music doesn't lull me to sleep. It keeps me all the more awake because I tend to listen to the words and lyrics of each and every song. Other suggestions: drink milk, exercise, change pillows and bed sheets. Tried them and never worked for me. Although, there was one thing that I thought for a while there would be the solution. Coffee. If for some people coffee works as a wake-upper for them, I've found that coffee actually makes me sleepy. And then I got immune to it and also doesn't work anymore.

Finally, I gave in. I stopped fighting. I'd see myself perpetually awake at this time of the night. Normally, I'd check the telly to see if there are shows worth wasting my time away (channel surfing at its best). If not, I'd be in bed listening to the radio or the CD while I read a good book. Sometimes, I do my cross-stitching at this time of the day. Most of the time though, I'm here, in my room (or in the living room), curled up with my pen and this journal, and just writing. Before I know it, one of my parents is already awake.

And to say that I love it at night is an understatement. It is after all at this time when I can think clearly. I feel at peace especially when there's nothing turned on around the house. The Cristina Hidalgo couldn't have said it any better. "I, on the other hand, cherish silence. So I like being wide awake at night when most other people are knocked unconscious. But part of the pleasure, I suspect, comes from the feeling that when one is the only person awake, one has an edge over those who are asleep. They don't know, they are not aware. Whereas, one does and is."

Yes, I am a nocturnal (insomniac probably's the term) and I am most alive and productive at the latter part of the day. Sometimes, I miss sleeping at a normal time. I envy those who get 6 hours of sleep everyday (3 or 4 hours of sleep is what I only get everyday). I still get frustrated with my sleeping habit. But as long as everything's working as they are (no mental, emotional or physical deterioration on my part has been noticed), I'll have to bear with this. (Anyway, I try to make up for my lack of sleep during weekends.)

*Note: I was actually inspired to write this since I got hold of Sleepless in Manila, a collection of essays written by insomniacs.