Still on my sister

Had we not been in a public place, I bet my mama would have cried her heart out during lunch time this day.

It was moments after my sister's college graduation when she received an SMS from one of her friends congratulating her for her magna cum laude distinction and for making it. My sister's in! We couldn't believe it that we had to drop by that college's building and see it for ourselves.

There it was, my sister's name among the 33 who are now qualified to enrol for this coming school year at the UP College of Law. Yes, my sister's dream of taking up law in the university she badly wanted to get in is now a reality.

Now, I can be proud as ever to tell everybody about this feat, about this gift the Ultimate Giver has just given my sister. I don't have to worry about pre-empting anything anymore.

It seemed like it was just November last year when she took that exam and was always thinking about how she did in that exam. But because she had her thesis to attend to, her mind got her focused on that and forgot about that LAE for the meantime. It wasn't such a good time when the results finally came out last March. It was during this time when the final draft of her thesis was about to be due. She was among the top 50, from the 231 students who passed; thus her panel interview was set at an early date. She had no time to prepare herself mentally and emotionally for that interview. She wasn't too happy with the way her interview went, thinking she made a lot of boo-boos (such as using kasi instead of because, or using yeah instead of yes, or having one panel say to her: "you're not answering the question", etc.).

It makes me so happy to see her giddy and ecstatic and my parents beaming with pride. Just now, me and my sister looked and smiled at each other and knew what each of us was thinking without having to say it out loud (aside from God being good): True. It can't get any better than this.

An open letter

Be,

Have I ever told you of the time some of my high school friends thought that I was insecure of you? One even used to ask, "d ka ba talaga naiingit sa kapatid mo?" They had this notion that I probably felt that you were papa and mama's favorite mainly because you bring them so much honor and second, you're the good daughter. (Are you laughing now? ) I know it's crazy, but I had to go through that process of telling that contrary to what they think, I'm quite secure myself, thank you. Somehow I grew tired explaining and left them to think what they want to believe. Even now, there are some who knows us both and aware of our achievements (or my lack of it, hehe..) but I don't owe them an explanation, right?

Don't you think we've been really really blessed? For one, we have our relationship that's something we can always be proud of. We probably owe it to papa and mama. We have parents who treated us fairly - no older, younger child for them. We never had to fight over toys and candies back when we were kids 'cause we always had our own share (although I'm guilty of eating your share when it comes to chocolates and candies as well). We never had to fight over the remote control 'cause we like the same shows, the same types of movies. Same goes with books. We never had to be irritated if we borrowed something from each other 'cause even if it doesn't matter to us if we don't ask for permission anymore, we still do it out of respect. (Wow, bait natin ah?) Yeah, so what if you're more intelligent than I am (o, papa-humble ka na naman, wag na!)? We have our own fields of interests and they just don't see that (hmm, hindi naman sila blind no?).

I don't need a Mother Teresa or a Princess Diana (gasgas na no? Sila na lang parati? Why not Kris Aquino, para maiba naman? Nag-roll ka na naman ng eyes nyan malamang!) or any admirable personality for that matter. Thanks to you (and papa and mama), I get one of my most admirable persons within my reach. You know I've always been proud of you. For your accomplishments and for being the person that you are (duh, clich� naman non).

You know, I never really thought what my fears were until someone, out of the blue, asked me. And it has something to do with our family. I fear that one day I won't hear you call on me, Chie... (in a I-have-a-favor or I'm-about-to-rant or I'm-worried-about tone of course). I fear that one day I won't be able to just hug you out of nowhere and tell you: Chim mo na ko. Chim kita (and I'd start showering you with kisses). I fear that one day I won't be able to watch you sleep, make fun of you while at it and just marvel at how calm you look as I find myself unknowingly crying already. I fear that one day I won't have to be your protective sister and I won't be able to text those guys bothering you and pretend I'm your boyfriend just so they'd stop pestering you.

Anyway, I just want to tell you that, it never felt like a burden to be your elder sister. Felt like I need not play that role for you. I've made mistakes in the past and indeed had set bad examples for you, but thanks for understanding me despite you being disappointed. Let's always be like this ok? Best of sisters (may ganon ba), best of friends?

As for your future, don't worry anymore. Trust Him 'cause He already has a plan mapped out for you. Just enjoy tomorrow and Happy Graduation again!

Love you, love you, love you!


Chie

Be - short for Siobe, Chinese word for younger sister
Chim - Chinese word for kiss
*Chie - short for Achie, Chinese word for older sister
*most people spell this as Chi or Achi, I think me and my sister are the only ones who spell it this way.

Btw, the Philippines is not SARS free anymore as what some people have been proudly saying.

Take care guys. It wouldn't do us harm if we be careful, ok?

All in a day's work?

Damn. I'm really really pissed off! Can you, at the very least, try to contain your insecurities and do your own thing?!!!
____________________

Why are there people who give you this feeling that their being happy for you is just superficial. That what they're waiting for is that day when they'll see you go down?
____________________

I barely have the time to go online tonight but I just had to let that out. To think that I thought I had a good day.

I hope you're just preoccupied and have lots of things on your mind coming up with a difficult decision. I hope you're just enjoying what this summer has to offer and what's left of your vacation. I hope you have a darn good reason as to why you seem to have disappeared. It's been six days since we last communicated and as much as I don't want to be the paranoid me and think of crazy thoughts that might have happened to you, I'm getting worried that I still haven't heard from you.

At least text me, even a forwarded message will do, will you?

*I don't know if you got to read this before texting me last night. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks. �

Last edited April 23, 2003 (22:53:00)

Emotional turbulence is not a mark of her generation. Unlike ours. Emotional restlessness seems to be a glorious badge flaunted by our generation. -RC Nalus, Depression Generation


That was written back in 1996. At that time, the writer was mainly referring to the twenty something people as the ones who experience frequent bouts with depression. Seven years after, we still see and hear many twenty something going through this. Young people seem to have caught up this dilemma as well. You have teeners who think that Beck's "I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me" is their song. You read blogs and feel slightly depressed after going through their entries, some of which borders on the absurd to the disturbing.

But who am I to pass judgment on them? I, for one, find myself in a state of emotional wreckage more often than I want to. It's those days when although I know I have my family and friends, I can't help hating some of the circumstances going my way and feeling like the world is out there conspiring against me. Unlike others who struggle with this invisible enemy and act like they're fine and normal, I stay away from people, sit back, listen to really sad songs, and watch "misery-inducer" movies. What can I say? I'm a massochist. I'd rather be one and wallow in misery for a day or two, or even a week at the most than pretend I'm not depressed. Yes, I sit back and nurse my depression, start doing my psychological exercises, understand my inner self and wait for that moment of clarity. Then I'm ok. It may be days, weeks or months, before my next bout with depression comes again. And the process continues.

Some people may not understand what I (we) are going through thinking that we're just being pretentious, exaggerated and self-indulging. We may be. But as long as there are people who expect us to be perfect and fine despite the ambiguities of this world, they can go on and consider us just that.

Tapos my mom and dad (my mom especially) have been nagging me lately about my body. They think that I'm getting thinner and are alarmed by this, telling me things like: Kala mo maganda masyadong payat, mukha kang may tb.

Ok.

One. It's not like a conscious effort that I lose weight. And two, I don't think I am getting thin. I look at my thighs and wish it were skinnier. Besides, I just saw Shiela and Joy yesterday and they didn't say anything which means my parents have nothing to worry about.

Ugh. Parents. Why do they have to over-react?

My sister's in Olongapo right now, enjoying the company of her friends, meeting new people, and above all, reviving her Christian faith. I miss her na. I know it's only been two days and it's not like she'll be gone for a month. For heaven's sake, she'll be coming back this Saturday. Still, I feel weird not having her around here.

I got an sms from her this afternoon telling me that she met an accident after another. Nothing serious but she said she bruised her foot and one of the lenses of her eyeglasses is broken. Good thing her eyes aren't that hopeless as mine, that she can still see normally without her glasses on. I hope she doesn't run into another accident the rest of her stay there.

You ever felt like you're about to burst any time soon because there's something (but not about you) that you want to share to the world but you don't, thinking you might pre-empt or jinx it?

__________________________

Third entry ko na 'to na sunud-sunod. Hindi naman halata na wala kong magawa no?

We often hear people say that music is a universal language. That it doesn't matter if a song's in a foreign language, you will still be able to enjoy and appreciate it.
Right.

Am into Jpop now . Got new japanese mp3s from a new acquaintance.

Current songs running through my head:
Fragile and Kiwoku by Every Little Thing
Is it You? by Hitomi

all three are in japanese

Duvet by BoA

this one's in English. I'm not privy to BoA's nationality, but I believe they're not a jap group. The song was just used in this "Lain" anim� that could be the reason why it's considered jpop.

I don't quite remember what day it was during this week when I suddenly, out of nowhere, asked my mom: Hey, didn't lola have triplets? My mom gave me this questioning look to which I answered: Wala lang. Isn't that supposed to be hereditary? It usually skips one generation, which means... someone from our generation would most likely have one, right?. And with a silly grin, I continued: Maybe it's gonna be me. I wanna have twins.

All three of them (my dad, mom and sister) gave me exasperated looks and went on to roll their eyes.

Shit! SkyCable's Lopez is about buy Lim's Destiny Cable.

_____________________________________

Am I not in a good mood!

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

Unwell - Matchbox 20

I've been laughing the whole day today at work. But I'm officially depressed right now. Chances of me being able to watch Dreamgirls are bleak. I really thought that the last performance will be on the 13th. It turns out that it's up to Sunday only. No!!! Was really really psyched to watch that musical play.

Then there's this thing that one of my officemates told me that I didn't want to believe at first. It's things like these that I don't wanna know about. Maiilang na naman ako nito!

Two newly acquired books: Prayer of Jabez Devotional and Lucky (from the author of Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold tells her story when she got beaten up and raped ).

Plus, I'm about to read Shopaholic Ties The Knot (although I'm just borrowing this one).

R&R is what I really need.

Saturday and Sunday are supposedly my rest days but I had to go mall hopping those two days to help my sis look for clothes and shoes. It was no easy task, my sister being so choosy that I had to remind her that she won't have any free time to look around this week.

And then I was planning on joining our church's retreat in Olongapo this Holy Week but sad to say, I have work up to the 15th. My sister's going and I'm dying of enviousness here. As a consolation though, I do have something to look forward this April 13.