For a while there, i wanted to click that delete blog button so badly. I feel like I couldn't post as much as I wanted to anymore and that I've been opening myself to people more than I should. I wanted to return to my shell.
I then asked myself why I started with this blog in the first place? Boredom was my reason why I started this. But to actually keep it going, what was it that made me do that? Because I love to write and this is the only way I know that I am given the opportunity to practice writing? Yup, that and one other reason. This is a narcissistic medium I suppose 'cause it contains entries that centers on me - what I think, what interests me, what i do (or did). It's a medium I find convenient enough for me to be heard. I am not exactly the most talktative person in the world. Often you'd find me being there but not really there. I may be with a group of people but seldom does it happen that I am the one telling stories and all or if I do, they're not about me most probably. I always believed I do not articulate myself in person the way I do when I am writing. Thus, I turn to my journals (this and many other paper journals). I then came to the conclusion that I keep this because this has become my sounding board. I can write and post as much as I want to and pretend that someone out there might just be interested to listen to what I have to say. I can write and post anything and not see that the person I'm talking to is not paying attention to what I've been saying.
I like to keep things to myself at times and that feeling's starting to creep in me these past few days. I feel like it would be better if I just shut this down than feel burdened by "editing" what I post here. I am being too careful to write and give myself away. I can always opt to start a new journal and maintain a very discrete personality but I would rather not.
I don't think this entry here made sense. I am just so confused and frustrated with myself lately of reasons I can't exactly pinpoint.
Good thing is, it took me one single post of a friend to wake me up and tell me that "hey, you have no right to be depressed." That there are people who have all the reasons to be down but they aren't. And so I am keeping this.
And how am I today? neurotic pa rin.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
should i keep this??
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5 comments:
What gave you the idea to delete this huh?? dont you dare delete your journal!!! or you'll get a spanking from me! (hehe joke lang dun sa spanking part ;) )
hey do keep this journal okey... dont get any ideas to delete this! This journal keeps me updated on whats going on with you!!! Eh paano nalang kung wala na toh mababawasan na ako ng blog friends =( hehe ;)
(= Carrots =)
It's all about you, baby! (I think that's a song...)
Your journal, your rules. If you're not comfy posting something in public, then don't, but of course you gotta think abt the reason why you don't want to post it. Just to please someone? Or because they might not like you? Or the may judge you? In the end, (in theeee eeenndd... I tried so hard.. *cough* sorry.) everything here is written in your pov, so people reading gotta take that for what it is.
Funny how our journals started from anonymous, then turned semi-anonymous and now, i'm not even sure how "anonymous" they actually are. :\ In my case, thank God for filtered posts.
Keep writing, Misty-san. I'll be one lonely insomiac if you take one out of my reading list.
-o- kulit -o-
i hope u're not experiencing 'deleting syndrome' (un tipong depressed tapos delete just about anything hehe - ganun ako e)
don't take away this journal. this is you. it's all about u (like what kulit said) alangan naman gawa ka ng journal for other people diba? magiging usi pa ang dating mo. hehe tsismosa pa siguro.
and know that your friends, of all people, would want to know what's going with you, what's in your head, what you're feeling. since you're not that very good in expressing through talking, this might be the way =) well remove the 'might' .. it's this way! =) and don't care about being judged .. if they can't take you, why bother reading your journal diba? insecure lang ang mga ganun =)
and i hope whatever it is that's causing you to think about deleting this, that thing that you can't quite pinpoint, would be soon over.
ingat =)
-debz
Hey you! Uulitin ko sinabi ko before... I love your writings, I don't get tired of them. Whatever you write there is all about you and how you feel. Just continue what you're doing and please consider the people like me as one of your reasons why you shouldn't delete your blog... hehe. =)
As much as I want to write down in this space something that would mean enough to let u know your words has meant a whole lot more than you think they do (at least for me)... I probably couldn't... not when I'm someone in your past that you must've erased, or wanted to forget anyhow.. But if there's any slim chance that this entree would at least make you think twice before you ever think about clicking that "delete blog" button again, I might have served my purpose... I've always hoped I could be even half as religious as you are in writing down thoughts on this journal of yours, but I never found the will to even try.. and too many times I regret not having been able to "black & white" things that could have made my memoirs worthy of looking back at... and I've missed a lot in life.. that if only I haven't been focusing on the "right" things at the wrong time, I could've had something similar to what you're wanting to delete... that's a shame.. 'Nette, your journal has been the fulfillment of my frustrations as a writer. I told myself that as long as I could read your blogs, I know someone is fulfilling what I've always wanted to do... but anyway, I've started to set things straight, and I hope that when I do the "right" things again, it wouldn't be the wrong time... Here's a message for you: "Contrary to popular thought, life isn't too short. In fact, it contains a vast expanse of space for you to fill with the fulfillment of your dreams, so go on, continue filling that space and remember not to leave any room for regret. Friend, go... live... be... :-)
-Screeech
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