first step

I knew it was coming. I just didn’t know when exactly. True enough, around the 2nd week of June, I finally heard myself ask “what happened to you?” Still, I did what I thought was best at that time – ignore it.

Days went by but the question hounded me, thus this post. But even if friends already asked about it, I continued to avoid it as much as I could.

Up until Thursday last week, that is.

On Thursday he asked me: why was there a “what happened to you” question in the first place?

It’s because I haven’t been doing anything for the past few months. I haven’t been reading, I haven’t been writing, I haven’t been studying, I haven’t been working, oh you get the drift.

The last time I read a book was I think around March. There were days when I realized this and so one day, I decided to get one novel from my huge pile of to books waiting to be read. And how far did I go with it? Not even to the first page, because all I did was just bring it inside my room and put it on my night table.

My last entry in my actual journal was April 22. It feels like ages since I wrote a decent entry in this blog as well. I want to write but when I’m about to do it, I just think, “oh nevermind”.

In short, I seem to be unmindful of the things that I normally enjoy doing. Most of the days, I find myself just wasting my time away: sitting and watching tv.

It’s as if I don’t want to do anything anymore.

He further asks: Why? Why won’t you want to do anything anymore?

I really do not know. It’s actually weird. It’s like I’m only existing and not living my life the way I want to live it. I feel like I’ve lost my drive.

He insists that there must be a reason why I’m like this so he asks: Since when did you start losing track of yourself?

Probably around March. Same time that I suddenly found myself not tied up with work. When it seemed like I had more time to do other things. Which is again why I find it weird. Before when it seemed that a single day isn’t enough for everything I wanted to be done, I felt alive. Now, when I have all the time to do just those, I’m restless.

Wait!

Maybe it’s that! Maybe it’s because I usually am more active when I know that I have to manage my time if I want to do all the other things that I wanted to do. Maybe now that there are lesser stuff to keep my hands full, the more I get to feel complacent.

Yes, I believe that’s it. It’s part of me being weird. Like how it is when I get 8 hours of sleep. Instead of feeling well-rested, I spend the day more sleepy. Unlike when I get only 3 or 4 hours of sleep, I am more hyper-active (not meant to be taken literally).

So now, I’ve resolved the issue. I’ve taken the first step of finding myself. But for me to actually look for me, I will wait a few more days or weeks probably. I think I’ll enjoy my present catatonic state for now.